A cat's rule book

[Racinlady]

I was surfing around and found this rule book written by cats
sounds just like my mom's cat's

Eating Rule . . . Wander gingerly over to the food they just put out. Stretch your neck out and smell it. Then look up at them with that look that says, "what is this crap?"

Hunting Rule . . . Birds and Mice and Things Not Nice. . .Always bring home your quarry. Be sure to mess it up. Entrails are a nice touch. Leave it just outside the front door if possible. It's always good if they're not looking down and step on it. This is the Cat's Meow!

Going Outside Rule . . . Sit looking at the doorknob. When they open the door, take your time. Take a good look around, pull your head back in. Look around the room. You don't have to decide quickly. Most of the damn fools will hold the door until you get the lay of the land and see which way the wind blows. For a real treat, after several minutes, back into the room, then look at them and say "what're you holding the damn door open for?

Getting Up At Night Rule . . . Even if you don't have to go, time your visit for about 3 A.M. Climb on their bed and get in their face. Tickle them with your whiskers until they wake up. The old man probably had to pee anyway but was too lazy to get up. Make a stop by the fridge. It's always worth a try to see if he gives you some milk. If he does, you can always wake him again at 4 A.M.

Playing Rule . . . A cigarette pack or a ball of foil is great to play with. Be sure to shred it and scatter the pieces. When the old lady is bent over picking up the scraps, you can chuckle at her backside. After all, they don't understand our language anyhow.

Walking Rule . . .The main object here is to get underfoot. It's also fun to startle them. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

Dog Rule . . . Always act afraid of dogs in front of humans. They feel so sorry they pick you up to comfort you. Put on a big show and hang on for life.

Barfing Rule . . . If you have to throw up, get to a bed quickly. Barf in the middle of the quilt, preferably a good thick one that doesn't fit in the washer. It will give the human a chance to go to a Laundromat and spend more money. Add this cost to the total you're already costing them. It makes you feel treasured and expensive. If you cannot manage to get to a quilter, try a chair or an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. Move around as much as possible to leave a glob, here, there and everywhere. Stand back and watch your mistress gag and swear while she tries to clean it up.

Another Cat Rule . . . No way! Establish your territory early. Make that intruder respect you. He'll give you lots of room and walk around you. When you know he wants to eat, go over and pick on the food so he has to wait. If you like his food, steal it. Deny him all privileges. Be sure to carry on if they give him any attention.

Helping Rules . . . If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. It's even funnier when they try to avoid stepping on you and fall into a counter or table.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
Scratching Posts Rule . . . The arms of their easy chairs, recliners, couches are great places to scratch and claw the fabric. You need to leave your mark on the world. This always gets their attention. Footstools are also good scratching posts. It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.

Understanding Your Humans . . . Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.


These rules may be useful to a few of you as well

[AmO]

very good Racin; i have not seen that one before, but my cats must have helped write it, they have it all down pat.

[Lucky]

I know someone that will like this.

[Deekman]

Shep, the larger of my two feline brothers, has the habit of trying to drink from the faucet - in any sink in the house. He even hangs out in the bathtub hoping for a squirt. He's like a dog and will attempt to drink from the toilet, so we always have to keep the lid down.
His brother, Yuri, likes to sit by and watch him as he embarks on his quests for drink.

I have also recently confiscated a copy of the Book of Fang Shui from the two. It has all the neccessary advice any self respecting cat should know along with the philosophies to back them up. Yuri and Shep highly reccommend this book to any of their brethren. I highly reccommend that you keep this book out of their reach, sight, and minds.

I am still lucky in the fact that they are not interested in my computer or it's keyboard or mouse.
(Though occaisionally Shep's tail will catch the mouse cord while passing by
under the desk and wake up the computer from it's sleep.)

[Noreen]

If anyone tries to grab your attention assume its your owner and that its an everyday occurence therefore you know its gonna be the same old story anyway.