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Thread: The Ballad of Lara Croft - repost parts 1, 2 and 3

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    Default The Ballad of Lara Croft - repost parts 1, 2 and 3

    Our original poem about Lara, started on October 5, 2000. Part 2 was started on October 14, 2000. They are re-posted per the request of Mulder. Part 3 was never finished and I will gladly re-post what I have of it if anybody would like me to. (Some of us have changed our names slightly! Hehe! Original contributors are in bold.)


    Agent Mulder

    Lara went into a tomb,
    and soon she found a golden room.
    She took an icon from a niche,
    which then revealed a wooden switch.
    She pulled the switch, and found a door,
    she walked through and found some more.
    A skeleton that soon awoke;
    frightened Lara with a poke.
    She pulled her guns and spun around,
    She fired her guns, he hit the ground.

    Another one came,
    and what a shame.
    She whipped her guns out
    and shot him down with a shout.

    Then Lara gazed
    down the hallway's maze.
    Which way shall I go
    to avoid trap or foe.
    She ran to the right
    and fell on a spike!

    But just like my sis
    she managed to miss
    falling on the spike.
    But just alike she fell in between,
    the spike just missing her spleen.

    And with half a life left,
    she climbed up from the depths.
    And reached in her sack
    and took a medipak.

    She started running away,
    but began to stray
    from the path
    and ran into an evil wrath.
    She found a 6-armed beast
    who was soon to be deceased.
    She whipped out her Uzi’s
    and made the beast a little woozy.
    He fell to the ground
    as Lara spun around.
    She had heard a noise
    while in her killing poise.
    It ended up being a foreigner
    off in a distant corner.

    And now with full life
    she can pull out her knife.
    ‘Cause swimming with the fishes
    might find her delicious.
    And there on the ocean floor
    she very quickly spies a door.
    She first must go after the pickups;
    then inside to take care of the pups.

    As she brushes her brow
    with the bridge of her Uzi,
    And sounds from behind seem to growl,
    she dashes across the wide-open cavern
    To find a scorpion foul.

    As the nasty little critter neared
    She wasn't becoming feared.
    For she had the power of firearms,
    So there's no need for alarm.

    Lights flashed on the wall
    As shadows did fall.
    The daggered-tailed demon had been seized,
    But as she lifted her head,
    The feeling of dread
    As 1000 more came charging with ease.
    And with a **** of her head
    And the raise of her arm
    She reached for a flame-thrower long.
    Then release a huge flame
    That covered the plain,
    And wiped out the 1000 strong.

    And beyond any doubt
    She had wiped out
    All the little critters
    Without even a sign of a jitter.

    The place was a wreck
    But she said what the heck
    And continued to move right along...
    Then the Tomb seemed to shake
    And the earth made a quake.
    As a boulder came tumbling on,
    Lara ran like the wind, quickly beginning to sprint
    And avoided the rocky sphere's dawn.

    Agent Mulder
    She slid down a slope;
    Then jumped to a rope
    And swung to a ledge just beyond.

    She found an opening in the tomb,
    All was dark and was in a gloom.
    She took a look around to find in the distance; a quad-bike, just sitting there
    "Well I know people are here," she thought, "But where?"
    She started up the quad-bike and took a LONG ride
    Suddenly, she wrecked her bike and landed on her side
    No one around, nothing in site,
    She had came this far, and won't give up without a fight.

    She ran straight forward
    And turned the corner
    To find a foe point blank.
    He was a Yank
    And not a Brit;
    So she decided to spit,
    Upon his shoe
    Which once was blue,
    but now had clear shiny coat.
    For this the Yank did not bloat
    since it was a woman who had finally beat
    "The Unbeatable Yankee Pete"!

    Catching her breath;
    thought, "There's no time for rest,"
    and found a small hole to crawl through.
    She flicked on a flare
    So that light would adhere,
    And saw a dark lair was near.

    Something caught her gaze
    As she ran trough the maze.
    She pulled her pistols and shot
    Just before she got caught.

    She stood up and slid down a 'lil hill.
    To herself, she thought, "What else is there to kill?"
    She tossed her flare to see how big the room was;
    she turned her head, thinking she heard a buzz.
    Up ahead, a giant mosquito dodged towards the floor.
    She took out her Uzi's and killed it, thinking if there is one, there are more...
    But the shots didn't take;
    There were beetles to face
    And Lara was boiling with axe.
    As they followed her out
    Of the tunnel for keeps
    She jumped up to save her skin bleek.

    She pulled out a magnum
    And began to shoot 'em,
    But they just didn't seem to leave.
    So she ripped off a sleeve
    And lit it on fire
    To see if they would retire.

    That still didn't work
    So she thought of a quirk
    And left the room just to return,
    The beetles were gone;
    The trick had proved strong
    And Lara continued her work.

    She found the hidden door
    Behind which there was more,
    A medipak, Uzi clips, and flares
    But just what was that over there?
    Was it a key, a card, an artifact?
    Whatever it was it surely wasn't cracked.
    It was ancient, shiny, and made of gold,
    Was this the artifact of which I was told?

    A treasure of time, history unfolds
    to Lara this has seen, a lifetime of souls.
    Careful to step and not to disturb
    She stepped on the blocks
    That were covered with gold,
    Others were black and some even gray
    But to make it across, she must observe and not stray.

    Lara flew through the air in the Jeep
    Hoping not to fall into the deep.
    She could see up ahead a city so bright
    it could be seen far away in the night.

    Agent Mulder
    The city was ancient;
    The buildings were old;
    There was much searching to do.
    For more treasures of gold
    Lara looked to a ledge
    To a switch she had spied.
    And the bones just beneath it
    where someone before her had died.

    She pulled down the switch
    And backed from the door
    Revealing a tomb
    Which had been raided before.
    Bodies lie still
    Only bones that remain
    And the ammo that sits
    In the hands of the maimed.
    Lara collected her stash
    And turn up her head
    But only to find her old friend named Ned.

    He wasn't as lucky as our Lara dear
    She'll find the treasure never you fear

    Lara hung her head in prayer;
    Then jumped up in the air.
    For a golden sparkle she spied,
    Was just above her quad bike ride.
    Goodbye, friend Ned, you stupid chap.
    She jumped the ledge and bridged the gap.
    To take the ancient golden prize
    She must not get a dart in the eyes.

    The death was close,
    Her breath was cold,
    And Lara missed her old friend Colt.
    Another dash, another leap,
    "Oh, girl, oh, girl, don't lose your grip!"

    Lara thought, "I won’t fall just yet"
    and pulled a Lucozade out of her pack.
    She belted it back
    While searching in her jacket
    For the keys to her shiny SEAT! *(the car!)*

    In the car and down the path
    Uh oh, time for some math.
    How many times does two go into eight?
    Take four steps to the grate.
    Hark, do I hear an angel sing?
    No! It's a banshee with a devilish grin.
    Meet Mr. Uzi you dark beast,
    I will not be your next feast.
    Behold a canal with a boat to row.
    I'm outta here don't ya know!

    Into the water and over the falls,
    Lara screamed as the boat slammed into the walls.
    She gritted her teeth and pulled very hard,
    She’d made it to the Temple and entered the yard.

    In front of the temple she spotted a door.
    Then she heard a rumble and dropped to the floor.
    She pulled her guns, she didn't run.
    It's a T-REX, aaaaarrrggghhhhh gimme a break.

    How many shots is it gonna take?
    Lara used the Desert Eagles, the T-Rex stumbled,
    "Stay down now, you bugger," was all that she mumbled.
    She ran over to the huge Temple door
    pushed it open and spied something on the floor.

    Is it a trap? Or IS it an opening?
    Oh, crap, what was I thinking?
    She threw a flare, to the trapdoor on the floor.
    This is rare, there is no trap, it IS an opening after all.

    She dropped down without a thought at all.
    Her friends have never understood how she acquired such gall.
    She landed with a mild groan,
    Looking quickly which ways to roam.
    She could hear crackling of glass
    And spied the glint of something, looked like brass.
    She knew the jig was up and had to move fast.
    She dashed with a quick breath,
    Leaped over something smelled of death,
    Alas, a vine, nice & handy,
    She swung over, like 'Jim Dandy',
    Snatched the 'Brass',
    Avoided the throws of glass.
    A ledge was nice & close,
    She landed upon it like some ethereal ghost.
    She looked in her hand and could not quite understand.
    This fine Brass thing with strange symbols and a jeweled band.
    It was a figurine. The jeweled band was its belt.
    She had no time to think further, but quickly knelt,
    As something moved out of a dark corner,
    Was it a friend or foe she had little time to know.
    A dart flew over her head,
    So whoever it was, wanted her dead.
    She was now a sitting duck
    And needed some Luck...

    After hearing the boom,
    She escaped that tomb.
    It was beginning to get quite snowy,
    She turned to find her Joey.
    They escaped on her hog,
    To avoid the fog.
    They went to Italy, to meet the pope,
    So Lara and Joey, could elope.
    Unfortunately, they had to wait,
    Suddenly, there was a twist of fate.

    The Pope did not debate.
    He said, you Joey, cannot consummate.
    A kangaroo cannot get married, ‘tis your fate.
    Now off with you, Lara, and your little Joey.
    You can keep him as a pet,
    but keep him good and covered while it's so snowy.
    So off they went, Lara and her sweet little Joey.
    While Joey played with the Brass figurine,
    Off to Australia, as good a place as any, it seemed.
    To begin the next leg of this adventurous dream,
    With little Joey in her backpack, but why was the Pope so mean.
    Dunno. Let's go Adventuring.

    But then Joey left her
    With a sigh and a murr.
    The two of them just wouldn't fit,
    So Lara moved too,
    To the hills of Peru
    And found Natla ready to split,
    She had found power and fear
    With the staff she held dear
    Lara new that this had to be fixed!
    This staff held a light,
    that shot straight through the night
    and exploded near Lara's sweet head.
    Then next was a glow of blue shimmering gold
    As Natla laughed out with a sneer,
    All bets had been laid
    Lara grabbed her grenade,
    And tossed it 500 yards best,
    But it missed off to the right.
    There a crumbed down sight
    And covered our Natla seer.

    Agent Mulder
    Natla screamed as she ran away,
    Lara thought, “We’ll meet another day.”
    She picked up the staff Natla dropped as she ran
    The powerful staff that once ruled this land
    She jumped from the ledge
    And back to the trail
    Where she caught a slight glimpse
    Of a white tiger's tail.

    She was not scared for she liked cats
    But at that time it spooked some bats.
    So Lara drew her guns
    And at that sight it began to run.
    The bats descended
    It was rather splendid.
    She had taken out bats which counted eleven
    While only using bullets counting seven.
    She had managed to hit
    Two bats with one bullet.
    How she did this
    It was bliss.
    One bullet had taken out four bats
    But that's what happens in combat.

    Far off in the clearing
    A pool lie appearing,
    Blue waters that sparkled and shined.
    She ran to the edge;
    Then jumped off the ledge
    And swam down until there was seen
    Two eels that attacked her,
    With crazed eyes of fire.
    So Lara decided to turn,
    Her pace was tremendous.
    The eels followed paceless,
    Then our girl headed up towards the sun.

    Agent Mulder
    She swam to the shore
    And onto the sand.
    The eel's at the edge
    Afraid of the land.
    She ran for a cave
    And lit a flare for a light.
    Then sat down to rest
    And to camp for the night .

    The clue she found there
    Led her outside to stare
    At a copter just waiting to steal.
    So off again, and thank god, a good meal.
    When she got to the mines deep in the snow
    She traveled by mine car, man, can they go.
    Lara saw strange creatures crawling about
    She watched men flaming them as they’d shout...

    Oh cr@p, my *** is on fire!
    They glanced over yonder
    To see Lara ponder,
    Which weapon will blow off there heads?
    Then out came the shotgun
    But bullets she got none
    So she whipped out her pistols instead.
    This just will not do
    Thought Lara who knew
    They were too tough and strong to break down.
    She ran up the hillside
    Where there lie a tripod
    That took her to Kalamazoo!
    Deciding to rest
    Her weary bones,
    She stopped at a tavern
    That was crawling with clones.
    Gold plated Lara's appeared,
    Standing mirrored and strange.
    This was surely a sight
    They moved perfectly same,
    So she pulled out a weapon
    Just to see them reflected,
    Then thought, "it's no time for shooting
    or my life I'll be losing!”

    But sojourn turned nasty,
    She didn't expect
    The general public to pay no respect.
    "O, Uzi, my love, I need thee at once.
    Thou cometh, or I shan't stand a chance."
    Lead fire erupted,
    And as Lara grinned,
    She noticed a lady
    Who has just been skinned.
    "I'll drown her in lava,"
    Smart Maiden concluded,
    For everything else will be eluded.

    The room was symmetrical
    So she ran to one side
    Which on the other was the melted rock
    Where the skinned lady would be fried.
    She fell in the pit
    And Lara was glad
    For having her around
    Really made her mad.
    On she went
    Through the caves
    Finding many foes
    For which she would make graves.

    Then the golden dogs howled
    With a cry that was found,
    Through this hallway of doom
    Know it was to come soon.
    A pack of black hounds
    Dressed in gold and stood proud,
    Raced towards Lara's firm stance
    Aiming right at their dance.
    Shots ran out off the walls
    Then two beasts saw the fall,
    But three more charged in hate
    Not afraid of their fate.
    Ms. Croft ended their life,
    With blood stained on her knife.

    Lara found herself climbing on high
    And saw flying men come out of the sky.
    The jade green stones seemed to float on air
    But jumping them was like climbing a stair.
    This indeed was a strange new land
    Nothing at all like the desert sand.
    What secrets lie here? Our Lara wonders
    As she blows the flying warriors asunder.

    Gasp! Three mummies came out of the ground,
    All moaning and wailing in sound,
    Arm stretched towards Ms. Lara’s small throat.
    But her crossbow was ready to smoke,
    An exploding thin arrow was dealt,
    And destroyed all the mummies with stealth.

    Agent Mulder
    Then Lara looked down at a key on the ground
    She soon put the key in her grasp.
    She climbed to a ledge
    Then jumped over a hedge;
    The key opened a golden door’s clasp.

    Lara took the amulet,
    An exit, she must get.
    Joey was waiting for her with a ride,
    He then asked her to be his bride.
    Lara cut his words off by saying, “Lets leave,
    To go visit our good friend Jean-Yves.”
    After chatting with their friend,
    Lara and Joey had to go home again.
    They knew that the butler needed to be freed,
    From his icy depths.
    Lara and Joey were thirsty for tea,
    Though, they had some regrets.
    The butler desperately needed a bath,
    For he would feel Lara's wrath.
    No time for breaks!
    Joey and Lara must go to the Sacred Lake.
    First lets grab a piece of cake.
    While Joey was eating,
    The armor, Lara was needing.
    Lara needed a soft couch,
    But she settled for Joey's pouch.
    They hopped to the Temple of Poseidon,
    While Lara was still a' ridin.
    Back to Jean-Yves house they must go,
    But when they found that letter they thought, "NO!!!"
    So, Lara on the motorcycle, and Joey in the sidecar,
    They knew that this situation was stickier than tar!
    Lara was wishing she was in her bed,
    when she reached "The City Of The Dead"!

    The gilded room was laden with artifacts galore
    But after stepping inside there was a whoosh from the door.
    Locked inside the beautiful room,
    Lara felt impending doom.
    After lighting a torch and reading the scroll,
    She was ready to rock 'n roll.

    With Joey by her side,
    It would be an easy ride!

    Joey and she had to make a quick run,
    Lara jumped down and spun around,
    No time to think, just hit the ground.
    The blades came from out of nowhere
    The air rustling the back of her hair.
    She crawled along on all fours,
    Then sprinted towards the golden doors.

    Agent Mulder
    But, Joey got lost and could never be found
    Last we saw him, was being eaten by a hound!
    So Lara took off to adventure on her own
    'Cause he was eaten by the dogs and run over by a stone!!

    Goodbye Joey, Lara said to herself.
    You've found your own way, to the Great himself.
    No time to be sad,
    I must focus ahead.
    She passed the golden door,
    Into a room full of mummies and their foul odor.

    Still stricken by grief,
    Mourning her friend,
    Lara presumed it had come to an end.
    "Game over, I'm done, I can't go any further;
    I don't even know why I should be bothered.”
    Two seconds have passed
    And three mummies charged.
    Lara stood still - she wouldn't have budged.
    A voice came from Heaven:
    "Lara, come on!
    Where is your spirit? You must carry on!"
    Heaven chose shotgun,
    Heaven pressed "action"
    And Lara revealed
    Her deadly attraction.

    Just when Lara followed those words,
    She looked above to find some birds,
    They were writing Lara a letter,
    Something that could make her trip better!
    Just when we thought Joey was dead,
    Lara looked around, and nodded her head.
    Just like Lara, Joey does not die,
    Smiling, he managed to say hi.
    He had a bad bruise on his back,
    So Lara gave him a large Medi-Pack!
    You can't dispose of Joey,
    They looked up to the note above,
    They knew it was a symbol of love.
    For the note said: Will you marry me
    and make me the happiest Joey?
    Lara knew just what to say,
    If only the birds didn't fly away.
    Just as Joey's hopes fell,
    Lara said let's go to the citadel!

    But then Joey looked over
    To find Lara's Land Rover
    Speeding over the plains.
    Joey's heart filled with pain,
    She had left her dear for
    An adventurous tour.
    She could not let that go;
    Must go on with the show!
    Then she pulled up in haste
    To her dad's old estate.
    Thinking this is the time
    To put feelings aside,
    And resolve all the conflict
    That had made Lara sick.

    She then changed her mind,
    Because she felt so blind.
    To Joey, she said sorry,
    There is no need to worry.
    Don't we make an amazing team?
    See you again on November 14th!

    "Yes," she said, "We made an amazing team,
    But now it's all over, it's just not my dream."
    "I don't love you," she said
    as she bopped him in the head.
    "Don't you ever listen? I'm in love with another.
    Don't try to change my mind, just don't bother."
    She climbed in her jeep and headed out,
    Leaving poor Joey to stand there and pout.
    Then out of the blue she saw the one
    Who'd stolen her heart when he gave her the gun.
    "Hey there, sweet Lara," he said with a grin.
    He kissed her on the lips with his hand on her chin.
    They rode off to India where she'd heard about a new treasure.
    He told he'd go with her to keep the locals from causing pressure.

    Agent Mulder
    They arrived in India before the sun set
    And quickly bought a map from a man they had met.
    They bought several camels and soon headed west
    They both knew that soon they would be put to the test.
    The map showed a city in the desert ahead.
    It was known to be called the "City of the Dead"

    He had to stay and work on his book
    While Lara took off to have a good look.
    There would be many things to be done here
    But Lara would solve these puzzles, no fear.

    Joey, the restless young lad,
    Couldn't accept to be treated that bad.
    As Lara was going to fix her back-pack
    The cunning roo-boy stole the last medi-pack.
    "Marsupial Creature, come near me at once!
    Stop pushing the line and making a stance,
    I want back what's mine! Or else, without kidding,
    Your big-eared head will roll over skidding!”

    Joey apologized, and Lara said ok,
    I needed you to get this man away.
    Sorry, Joey- he was all an act,
    I love you and that is a fact!
    Who does he think he is,
    Kissing me on the lips?
    He tried to make a pass,
    But I shot him in the ***.
    Lara and Joey then got married,
    Over the threshold he then carried.
    They then went home, to meet the old geezer,
    But they forgot him in the freezer!

    Agent Mulder
    Lara left little Joey playing with his dump truck in the sand box in the back yard,
    with his nanny to care for him while she went off on her next ADVENTURE............

    Lara decided, "This is against my morals,
    I do not go marrying marsupials!"
    And according to her religion
    She had to get rid of him.
    Whacking him over the head with a brick,
    She got rid of him very quick.
    "Now on with my adventuring,
    And finding old dead kings."

    Lara boarded the airline to Sydney
    And as she waited ate tuna and kidney.
    Once there she went to the Outback
    and met with a man called Billy Jack.

    He would be her guide to a secret place
    A huge rock mountain that had a face.
    Very much like the one discovered on Mars
    With all her equipment, she'll need two cars.
    After climbing around for a very long time
    She found a square block just oozing slime.
    Her crowbar was handy to pry it loose
    Inside and down she met something like a moose.
    Guns were not enough on this large creature.
    She searched her arsenal for something to feature.
    This will do, as she pulled out her shotgun.
    After a couple of shots the job was well done.
    Now to search this room for secret to next
    Thats where she will find part of the text.

    Next to the dead body of a huge, black hound
    A long piece of parchment, rolled up and bound.
    Reminiscent of Homer, it was lying on the ground.
    A writing full of stanzas was what she had found.

    Agent Mulder
    It said, "Follow this path, where the darkness begins,
    to a place where the righteous are forgave of their sins.
    And if on your journey, your heart is freed of thoughts that are bad
    then upon your arrival, there are riches to be had.
    And if anyone enters whose heart is not pure
    then beware, for there will be suffering and much pain to endure.
    And ye will be freed with icons, and riches of gold,
    if pure is your heart, so the tale has been told!!!


    Agent Mulder

    Lara awoke one morning to the sound of the phone,
    it was Jean-Yves who said, “Lara you must return home!
    An artifact has been stolen and the crown wants it back,
    so gather up your weapons and your trusty backpack!”
    So she flew back to England as fast as she could
    and to the museum where the artifact once stood.
    Who would take the gold statue of King Tut as a boy?
    It could only be the infamous "Werner von Croy."
    So she went to the window where the thief got away;
    found a map that he dropped, a map of Bombay.
    She knew she must go there, where danger awaits;
    She didn’t think twice, regardless her fate!!

    Lara packed up her suitcase with her guns and her whip,
    and threw in some clothes to change on the trip.
    After boarding the plane she looked at the map;
    then settled in her seat to take a short cat nap.
    She awoke with a start to the sound of a crack;
    then jumped out of her seat and ran to the back.
    A voice came over the intercom, warning of foes,
    Lara ran into one of them and punched him in the nose.

    She backflipped and rolled to the front of the plane
    while thinking, I knew I should have taken the train.
    She opened the emergency exit to a thunderous roar
    and reached to her backpack for her parachute cord.

    Agent Mulder
    Her parachute opened and softened her fall,
    she landed in India, outside of Bhopal.
    Her compass pointing west, she thought, this is the way;
    then she hijacked a jeep and took off for Bombay.
    Von Croy would be there; his ninja's would too,
    but she'd fight them off, there's always a few.
    She drove the jeep on into the night,
    she'd find him there and prepare for a fight.

    She drove the jeep down a large slope
    And came to a bridge made out of rope.
    Lara stopped at the beginning to give it a check
    And then a large boulder turned the jeep to a wreck.
    She kicked at the tire and said, “Bugger that!”
    And ran across the bridge in time to see a large rat.

    The rat was dispatched without much ado,
    And Lara decided what she would do.
    "The terrain is hostile, I must be on guard.”
    Re-loading her Uzis she noticed a card.
    Vermillion thing glittered in light
    To much more than usual Lara's delight.
    She went through a door-way
    And slid down a slope
    And one second later confronted a slob.
    The fella was angry - frustrating love-life.
    He would stop at nothing, producing a knife.
    "Uh-oh, Sweetie-Honey, your honour's at stake.
    Don't make a false move, don't make a mistake".
    Two index-fingers gently squeezed triggers.
    The goon soon dropped dead, wheezing out some figures.

    She ran through a passage and into the night,
    and with some ease she turned on her flashlight.
    She heard a noise behind her, and with the greatest of ease
    she dropped the jumping monkey down on its knees.

    Agent Mulder
    She entered a room with a switch on the wall
    it opened a door that led down a hall.
    Spikes up ahead need a run and a jump
    she landed correctly near a lifepack on a stump.
    She lit up a flare to see a lioness prowl;
    startled to hear a second one growl.
    A shot to the heart then a jump to a ledge,
    the shotgun disposed of the one by the hedge!!

    She grabbed up the lifepack then scooted on down
    But when she looked up she started to frown.
    What did she see but a third hungry tiger
    Stalking her silently through the violet heather.
    Lara slowly stood up; then did a backflip
    And landed above on a slightly sloped lip.
    Out came the pistols...shots one, two, three;
    She licked her lips and fell to one knee.

    As Lara looked down where she was kneeling
    there was a key with rust just a-peeling.
    She wasn't sure just yet what it was for;
    so into her backpack till we find the door.

    She spotted a ladder on the south wall;
    started to climb, found herself in a big dark hall.
    She light some flares while she run around
    looking for a door that matches the key she already found.

    The door was by all means not easy to find,
    And running in cirlces almost made Lara blind.
    "Oh, goodness, it's just so upsetting
    that every time I'm left without setting."
    As Lara was pondering where to go,
    Two flying red mutants descended quite slow.
    Their scaly red wings produced eerie rustles,
    And time came for Lara to turn into muscles.
    Two true-tested friends, we know them as Uzis,
    Spat death-bringing fire, ending up their cruises.

    Spinning and swirling they plunged to their death
    and Lara was able to take a deep breath.
    Their bodies descended quickly to the ground;
    she ran through the door to have a look around.

    She peered into the room, Lara could smell the doom,
    When she looked on, she noticed the gloom.
    Though it was dark, she could make out the faces,
    They were twisted together in intricate spaces.
    They were angered in grimace,
    As Lara continued into the abyss.
    The faces were dripping with wax, a deep, blood red wax,
    Lara then knew she must make tracks,
    the floor was beginning to split with cracks!
    She dashed for the door,
    She wanted no more.
    When she made it out,
    the faces were saddened with pout.
    The heads were powerful spirits,
    Lara knew not to fear it!
    She continued on,
    And the spirits were gone!
    Now in a room with large black tiles,
    She noticed a treasure, that would make her trip worthwhile!

    Agent Mulder
    The tiled room was filled with trinkets of old,
    jade statues of kings with eyes made of gold.
    A gold mask for her backpack; a diamond ring for her hand,
    but the ring triggered something and the room filled with sand!!!

    Lara spied a hole high up on a wall
    could she reach it, get in and crawl?
    Lara would need to light a flare,
    as it looked to be very dark in there.

    In her tight, curled fist burned the precious flare
    And to make it to the hole she flew through the air.
    Her grip was strong on the sharp precipice;
    she pulled herself up and said, “What is this?”
    On the floor just inside was a jade green stone
    Just like the ones Jean-Yves told of on the phone.
    One of two artifacts she needed to recover,
    to possess Tut’s golden statue she must find the other.

    The green stone was so close, it beckoned, it glowed.
    Its jade-coloured halo was her to be owned.
    But suddenly someone's iron-heeled boot
    crushed upon Lara, spoiling her mood.
    A hoarse reedy voice roared from behind:
    "Give me your pistols, or I'll blow out your mind."
    A muzzle was pushing just over her plait
    with evil black bullet waiting for that.
    Predicament lasted for good twenty seconds
    as Lara went through her old action methods.
    "They're here, you take them, don't hurt me, all right?"
    And one second later he witnessed her might.
    The punk only noticed a high somersault
    as Lara began her deadly assault.
    The guns weren't required, it was bloody, but quick,
    the hit-man crashed down like a half-shattered brick.

    She whirled and she spun as another one rushed;
    Her punch to his face, from the nose blood gushed.
    She performed a dive-roll as a third one yelled
    But before he knew it, was the next one felled.
    Lara scooped up the prize, held it tight to her breast
    And ran up the incline and over the crest.
    Feet slipping and sliding, down the slope she did go,
    at last at the bottom, but which way? Oh no!

    The sky had turned dark, the ghosts creeping in,
    which way to the entrance did Lara first enter in?
    So away she did run with her prize closely held,
    away from this tomb where the demons they dwell!

    She raced up the icline, breaking a sweat
    And found herself back near the goons she had met.
    Their bodies were still, but the ground it did move
    Lara jumped over them and slipped through a groove.
    A strange, reddish glow from far up ahead,
    beckoned to her, but it filled her with dread.
    What’s the matter, she thought, I’ve done this before
    It’s only a torch making shadows on the floor.
    She went to the source and soon found a niche
    She reached with one hand and touched a small switch.
    A wall began rising, revealing a red plaque
    And that’s when she saw the second artifact.

    Agent Mulder
    She reached out her hands to collect her new prize
    when an evil Boss awoke and began slowly to rise.
    A demon on a horse with wings made of gold
    he was quick, he was deadly, he was vicious and bold.
    With a gasp and a shudder he reached such a height
    she slammed some clips in her Uzi's and prepared for a fight.
    He said, "To take this prize, my dear, you must first earn the right!”

    ". . .I'm sick of them bossing, as if I'm a mite!
    To hell with the Uzis, I'll use my shot-gun."
    And having just said so, she started the fun.
    Side-flipping and rolling she brought the boss down
    The only Queen-Raider who should wear a crown!

    Lara brushed herself down as she rose to her feet;
    thought the death of the Boss was Evil's final defeat.
    But just as she made for the last exit door
    a dark presence emerged and stood center floor.
    As the light from the roof revealed the figure
    Lara's right hand sought the Uzi's trigger.
    She moved slowly forward, her heart pumping fast
    And prepared to fell the enemy, but then let out a gasp.

    Lara administered the final shot,
    The big evil Horseman began to rot.
    Then, from Lara's glittering eyes,
    She turned and looked at her legendary prize.

    Away she ran down the huge hall, carrying her find
    Now she had both artifacts; their power was combined.
    Time to recover the Golden Statue of King Tut as a boy
    From my old friend, that old geezer, Werner Von Croy.
    She used her whip to swing across to the ladder up ahead
    Then clambered down and out the door she fled.
    Lara found an old, rusted truck next to a cave;
    So she jumped in and said, “For this, I must be brave.”

    She lowered her hand, wanted to ignite,
    I must reach friendly land, before tomorrow night
    "NO KEY", she grumbled,
    "Must flee", she mumbled.

    The intention to flee was sure the right one,
    So Lara stepped down and thought she had won.
    She turned around, ready to run
    And as a routine, checking her gun.
    It was just on time, since down the hill
    A nasty centaur pranced, ready to kill.
    "O, vile creature, what brings thou down here?!
    I'll show thee no mercy, am I being clear?"
    But English centaur had failed at school,
    So Lara employed her favourite tool.
    The shot-gun was loaded with only two rounds;
    The hooves were approaching, hopping over the mounds.
    "Take lock and don't panic, you will have to win;
    Oh, goodness, he makes such a terrible din!"
    The din was a fire-ball charged right at her,
    She side-flipped and, guess what, she didn't err.
    Two shots were then fired at centaur's hind side,
    Explosion was heard - he got out of sight.

    David Davies
    There rose a high cliff from beside the rust-bucket,
    And there on the dash she found an old ducket,
    Having used a small medi-pac and with money in pocket,
    she peered underneath to discover a rocket.
    With carabinas on belt and a rope on her shoulder,
    She looked to the sky and climbed on a boulder,
    From there she jumped up and shimmied along
    before going higher and then...*GONG*...
    She found a small cave and pulled herself in
    whilst just behind her the roof fell in.
    The cliff had collapsed, she had no doubt
    but how the heck was she going to get out?

    “I’ll worry about that later, for now I must find
    that Golden Statue or I’ll be in a bind.”
    Lara looked at the walls of the cave she was in
    And found a small niche made out of tin.
    Inside the niche was a small piece of parchment;
    She pulled it on out and discovered another compartment.
    Lara folded the paper and put it inside her pack
    And then into the compartment she reached in the back.

    It looked like half of a broken key;
    she put this away to wait and see
    where to look for the other part,
    seems to be part of a broken heart.

    Agent Mulder
    To find her way out of this dark cave
    she must forget all her fears, she must be strong and brave
    She lit up a flare and followed the hall
    some rocks fell nearby; it was not safe at all
    soon she would find her way into the light;
    found the cave entrance blocked with no exit in site.

    Lara checked her backpack and lit up a flare
    thought she saw a tunnel just over there.
    Yes! must be a old one, it has boards across
    she can shoot thoughout, will be no loss.
    Into the tunnel and light another flare,
    Lara thinks she see' some skylight up there.
    If she can climb some then push this block,
    At last! She's out, slids and lands on a dock.

    Off of the dock and into the boat, our girl does leap,
    And somewhere behind is a goon in a heap.
    Across the blue river and to the other shore
    Lara leaves the musty cave to come back never more.
    As Lara lands upon the green, cool beach;
    into her backpack she does reach.
    Her fingers touch the coolness of stone;
    the artifacts recovered are only hers alone.

    Cool breeze in her hair and moonlight upon,
    The beach stretching out, she has to go on.
    The end of the level was nearly there,
    A few polygons leading out of nowhere.
    That little black door already unlocked,
    But her way to freedom was suddenly blocked.
    A flame-throwing thug around the corner
    Presumed Lara was already a goner.
    "Of course you can run, sweet child of mine.
    I can even wait and count to nine.
    My fire will reach you, you can't really hide.
    So run, pretty baby, try saving your hide".
    With ammo at lowest and one small medi-pack
    Lara acknowledged it was her bad luck.
    "Fight fire with fire - I must do it quickly.
    To finish him off one mustn't act meekly".
    She back-flipped and pulled out her only grenade.
    The launcher in right hand came to her aide.
    "I hate being threatened!" Those words left her lips
    And gave the flame-thrower his last nasty creeps.
    A flash and explosion and tearing pain.
    Lara the Raider made sure he was slain.

    Spying a ledge with a door over yonder,
    Lara thought to herself, "Over there I must wander."
    So she took a step backwards, ran forward and leapt,
    While somewhere beneath her a skeleton slept.
    She sailed through the air with the greatest of ease,
    caught the edge of a block and, raising her knees,
    brought herself up onto the top of the block
    and paused for a moment to pull up a sock.
    Looking around, she saw nothing to worry
    so walked forward a step, and then with a flurry
    of wings, a large crow attacked without warning.
    "My goodness," thought Lara, "It's all go this morning!"
    With her Desert Eagle, she killed with one shot
    the pestering crow, which fell with a Splot!
    Our heroine walked to the door on the ledge,
    and discovered that some silly fool with a wedge,
    had attempted to jam it against those from inside
    so she kicked the fool's wedge swiftly aside
    and opened the door, her Shotgun at port arms,
    dived forward and rolled, avoiding any harm
    from the slicing blades that whipped over her head.
    "Goodness me, that was a bit dangerous," she said.
    But danger was part of her adventurer's life,
    and she blasted away the bad man with the knife
    who had rushed from an alcove, his intent to surprise her,
    her shotgun becoming a crude liquidizer.
    Running along, her hair floating behind her
    a ricochet warning of the shot from the Minder,
    his big boss retreating to a less open space.
    She jumped sideways and fired point blank into his face.
    "Minder? You're nowt but a mere apprentice!"
    She scoffed, "and you'll need more than a dentist."
    To his big boss she called, "This is your last blunder,
    The next time you rest, it'll be six feet under!"

    ...And Lara got vexed, she was mad in her wrath.
    Her mind grew dark, like that of a goth.
    She whipped Desert Eagle and drove a clip in.
    Released Eagle's slide - her grin was so mean.
    In German she spoke: "Ich werde ihr töten!
    Und rufen ihr' Mütter - das ist verboten." *
    As punks then dashed out, Lara took lock.
    The one in the range could no longer mock.
    Lara went crazy, the colour of blood
    Awoke her dark instincts driving her mad.
    She screamed and she yelled and ran all amock,
    This time she pulled out her Austrian Glock.
    Fourteen yellow bullets awaiting command,
    Had fully exceeded her gory demand.
    .40 barked out, he collapsed in a heap,
    And Lara drove off revving up her new Jeep.
    *I'll kill you, and it's forbidden to call your mothers

    The Jeep was a large one, more like a Hummer
    and the radio was broken, that was a bummer.
    She put the pedal to the metal and drove to the right
    up a ramp and over hill, hanging on with all her might.
    She saw in the distance a shimmering beacon;
    gritted her teeth and said, “I’m not yet beaten.
    There’s one more thing that has got to be done
    and when I am through the world will have won.”
    Away towards the light Lara did drive
    and when she got there saw no one alive.
    The place seemed deserted except for a mutt
    who lay in a metal cage inside the first hut.
    Lara tip-toed forward as the mutt raised his head;
    and when it started to whine, “Be quiet, “ she pled.
    His whine became a snarl; then turned into a bark;
    she knew something was wrong...this dog was a nark.
    To her left a door flew wide open and out came a man
    followed by two others who held beer cans in hand.
    “Well, what have we here?” she heard the first one ask.
    She knew her escape was going to be a rough task.
    Down went the beer cans and up came the guns,
    “Don’t try to escape, we’ll just shoot you down, hon.”
    Dropping her hands to her side, Lara looked meek;
    she knew the outcome seemed kind of bleak.
    But our girl, Lara knew the answer was not fear
    and put down her pistols as the first goon stepped near.
    He didn’t know what hit him and fell with a thunk;
    the other two goons were much more than drunk.
    Before they could shoot the deadly Uzis came out
    and down they both dropped without even a shout.
    Lara ran to the door the goons had come from
    and heard a strange noise, much like a hum.
    Upon the wall there were two large empty holes
    and around their rims there were elaborate scrolls.
    Taking off her pack she took out the artifact of jade;
    she put it into the niche for which it was made.
    She moved to the second hole, her feet felt like lead;
    pulled out the second artifact of deep crimson red.
    Knowing the end was near, she put it into its place;
    then turned around to see a strange golden face.
    A gray platform arose from out of the floor
    and sitting upon it, facing the exit door
    stood the Golden Statue of King Tut as a boy
    and laying beside it was Werner Von Croy.
    His skin was like plaster, his eyes were unseeing
    dead, she concluded, his pulse she was not feeling.
    She picked up the statue and left the strange room
    the humming ceased and she went out in the gloom.
    Away back in England, Jean-Yves smiled a huge grin
    watching the guards place the statue in it’s bin.
    “The Crown owes you a debt for returning this prize.
    They want to know, just what is your price?”
    Lara looked at Jean-Yves with little secret smile
    and said, “Not a thing, now I’m going home for awhile.
    To get a good rest, relax and unwind,
    read a good book, until the next time...”
    Last edited by Jewel; 04-25-2006 at 10:11 PM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Crackerbox Palace.

    Default Thanks Jewel!!!!!!!!!!

    That was so much fun to read again...

    Thanks Jewel for re-posting our poem. I was afraid it was gone forever......


  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    sacramento, ca. us

    Talking what fun it was

    i had forgotten how much fun we all had doing that thanks for posting it up Jewel, i got a big kick out of reading that again. i had thought i had a copy but could not find it.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Crackerbox Palace.


    Re-posting this has made me wonder what ever happened to Joey loves lara.....has he joined us since we've moved.....

    Good kid....never seems to come around anymore......

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2000


    T'was good.
    Smoke 'em if ya got 'em.
    Thanks for saving and sharing that, Jewel!

    In honor of the old days:
    speeding along to Alexandria

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Crackerbox Palace.


    I Love That train Deek......Especially the big gun!!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    London, England

    Talking lol

    hey! how come i get shot? lol

    thats great to read - very imaginative!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    United States


    Originally posted by mulder
    Re-posting this has made me wonder what ever happened to Joey loves lara.....has he joined us since we've moved.....

    Good kid....never seems to come around anymore......
    Hey Mulder. I'm back!! I've just been biding my time lately. I've got a lot going on and all.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    United States


    By the way.... Is there anyone here who even recognizes me anymore?? I don't see many familar faces....

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    The Garlic Capital

    Cool Oops, editing can't bring it back!

    Thought I'd dredge this up again. I definitely don't want it to get lost, though I'm not sure why it's in the Help Center. LOL! I can't believe it's been almost four years since I brought it back the second time on June 7, 2002 at 10:50 PM. It's long, but fun.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    England, UK


    Wow this is great, welldone guys totally paints a picture of Tomb Raider for me
    We have reached the sanctum of the ancients, the first footfalls in these tombs for centuries...

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    United States


    *blushes* That was sooo long ago!

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    The Garlic Capital

    Talking Joey!!!

    Long time no "see"!!! How are ya? Hey, we did some good work, didn't we?

    Wow. Just read it again myself. We were good! Funny though, I can't remember writing that whole long end passage myself...
    Last edited by Jewel; 05-01-2006 at 06:15 PM.

  14. #14
    Join Date
    May 2000


    signature imagesignature imagesignature imagesignature image
    "Doomsday device?...I suppose I could part with one and still be feared..."
    Skusting's deviantArt gallery <-updated with regularity regularly!

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Sep 2000
    The Garlic Capital

    Cool Thanks Deek!

    Just the thing the noobs should read. This feels like classic fan fic to me!

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