Got Money? Here's a money clip!

[Nick@IO]

Greetings all! I just found a bunch of old KL1 swag on my desk. Incredible. It's not doing much good there, though, so I thought I'd give it to you guys.

Sadly, the stab-proof hoodies are all gone, but I do have some funky looking money clips here that you guys might like. How to get one? Let me know, in this thread, just how much you'd like one by telling me how you'd solve this little situation below:

It's a sunny day in Shanghai. Your buddy and yourself are out walking on the streets. You're hungry. You reach into your pocket and pull out a dollar bill. The last one you have. Fate intervenes and a gust of wind grabs the note from your hands - it's gone. Your buddy laughs, pulls out a money clip full of cash and slaps you across the face with it.



What do you do?

I've got ten of these bad boys on my desk. Finish the story and I'll get you one if your story is one of the ten best ones. I get to decide, which ones are the best. Whining will not get you anything.

The real product is not blurred by the crappy camera on my iPhone.

[RAPIST]

I pull out my 9mm, put a round in each of his legs and then shoves his face into the pavement and grabs his money. Then I go to the finest restaurant and spend a lot on exotic fishes. After a great dinner I go to a strip club and get laid, then I buy a cheap AK-47 from the darkest corners of Shanghai and off to rob a bank, I get the manager to fill my new K&L money-clip with cash then I run out of the door, find my friend and smack the money clip in his face and then laugh. Mission Accomplished.

[MxOAgentJohnson]

Can i just purchase one? Due to my dyslexia and that im smothered in paperwork and stuff to actually get something worthwile done in time.

Message me back :P

[Bevacur]

While my buddy is slapping me repeatedly slapping my face with his cash i dribbled and it went all over his face. While he was distracted and getting spit out off his eye (he did a gesture of what Borat did when he gave an imaginary ghost a bj and 'man juice went in his eye' i grabbed his arm, opened his hand and watched his cash fly away into the gleaming sun while beggers come out of strange hiding places from dust bins to sewers and maybe the odd bus-shelter.

My buddy flew into a rage so bad his face turned red like a rhubarb and out came a blowing noice.

His face dropped and tears started dripping down his cheeks.

I replied 'buddy whats up?' So i walked around and a awfull smell blew into my face and i swear i was being slapped across the face repeatedly once again. But by a fart.

I saw to my enjoyment my buddy's trouser's were shining from the sun, wet and dripping with his excrement. I enjoyed this moment so i took pictures. I heard screaming so i whipped around and saw seagul's diving for my buddies opened orifice and pecked his arse grabbing every particle there was from poo to hair.

He cried and i laughed. Distracted i swear i saw a 12yr old on a bus stick her finger up at me but that didnt bother as my good ol' friend was humiliated in front of everyone. Plus a cat just got ran-over.

And too finish the day off my buddy ran home with his trousers around his ankles crying screaming mummy. It was a good day untill i saw my mortal enemy once again. The 12yr old girl. I was walking home to my buddies house and i saw the little girl stick her tongue at me and again stuck her middle finger up at me. It was rumoured that this girl does this alot.

Next day on the news the Police reported that the little girl's house was on fire the girl (turns out her name was Morgan) was hanging off a tree with a rope around her neck turns out everyone she swore at attacked her, shaved her head, put permanate marker all over face looking like the Joker from the Dark Knight and took her shoes for some odd reason.

Ok sure the story goes abit off-track but i finished the story off

[Brackstone17]

First, I'd hunch over grunting in pain saying the money gave me a paper cut in my eye. While he get's slightly concerned and get's closer, I'd headbutt him, kick him in the groin and push him onto the ground. Any friend with a wad of cash that can't spare a dollar for a friend and can't dance is no friend of mine. Then I'd take the money clip, take enough out for taxi money, leave him that, then go to a classy Italian restaurant and get a nice meal. Then I'd go to a toy store, buy Monopoly, take the fake money out, and put it in the money clip and send it back to my "friend", along with a nice helping leftover Italian food just so he knows what he missed.

After that, I'd go to a clothing store, buy a fine suit, and then go to the theatre. The next morning I'd go have a nice breakfast, spend some time at the zoo, then go find a perfectly "legal and not at all criminal" way to get some more money, preferably by stealing it from my former friend.

[Falkenwut]

I looked at him with a vile glare... He began to get second thoughts of slapping me in the face with cash... I punched him hard with my fists, as he deserved it, that arrogant . I grabbed his cash and kept it in my pocket, and helped my friend up. As he came to we went for some coffee... We went to this beautiful cafe' down the street, sat down... and a hot waitress came to take our order. I ordered a Cappucino and my friend took tea... what a snob.

We slowly drank it, laughing our asses off... Then.. the hot waitress came and asked us for the bill as she layed her soft round puppies in front of us. My friend rushed to his wallet to pay the lady the tip she... I meant... her puppies deserve. He failed to find the cash and held his head in shame as I payed her with his cash. When he realised it's his money, he returned the favour by punching me senselessly and the cash flew off my hands, he was too fueled by revenge to notice the mishap

As the fight caught on, the whole Cafe was worried and called the police to stop us... But as Fate intervened.. the cash had stumbled onto the floor, and right in the centre of the hot waitress's attention... As she picked up the cash, she smiled and counted the load of money... 1 by 1... she smirked and said "Luckily I didn't have to sleep with either of them "

The police had arrived and we were both arrested and charged for public violence, broken property and indecent use of the chinese language.

Moral of the story... Revenge may lead you to the wrong path

[TheMoD]

While he keeps slapping me with the cash I manage to snag a dollar bill with my teeth and attempt to run off to the nearest fast food restaurant. That got him really mad, he eats the money from his clip and follows me trying to pinch me with it. "I'm gonna pinch you real good!" he yells as I run faster and faster. After I reached the speed of light I arrived at a fast food restaurant and I was sure I shook him off. I ordered a cheeseburger and just as I was about to bite into it he arrived grabbing my burger with his clip, slapping me with it, eating the burger and then saying "There is no escaping this clip, *!"

[Vulture]

As i strongly believe the whole 'what comes around goes around' idealogy i did my best to not to get angry and he suggested to buy me a meal, and i accept his offer.

He wanted to go to his favourite chinese restraurant and as he is paying,we went there,ordered our meals and started to eat.

Suddenly we heard people screaming and gunshots following it. After a few seconds; two, almost naked men dived into the restraurant followed with two dogs. My friend and i was in shock and couldnt even move. One of the dogs stopped biting the guy with the long hair and instead,attacked my friend,destroyed his pants, and also tasted the cash in his pocket.

And i was like.. Told you!

[Dr Klowneus]

While my buddy is slapping me with his wad of cash I smile and remember The time I banged his wife. hey treachery does pay off

[killingroad1986]

Unfortunately for him, fate doesn’t care who has money. Much like what had happened to me just seconds earlier, the wind stole all that was precious to him. As he slapped my face with the money clip, the bills that gave him power slipped from the metal clasp that he thought was holding the cash so tightly. As I hit the ground I saw all of the bills flailing madly in the air, only to come to rest strewn about the busy street. The desperation that I had felt earlier had now been passed along to the *** I had been forced to call my buddy. As I struggled to get up I noticed something with my hazy vision he didn’t. It was a Shanghai bus heading directly towards him. In his mad rush to save the only thing that had ever brought him power he failed to see fate coming. I had the chance to intervene, to say something, to save the s life. Instead I decided to watch him go head to head with fate. Needless to say butting heads with fate left his brains splattered all over the cold Shanghai pavement and left me with a smug sense of satisfaction knowing that someone finally got what was coming to them in a city where nobody usually does.

If I win a clip, please send me an email at frank.reed1986@gmail.com.

[FoolForALifetime]

The slap on the face feels vaguely reminiscent. I begin to ask questions; something the rude awakening I got from my friend this morning didn't allow time for. "Why am I here..?", "Where the hell is here?" and most importantly, "What the hell happened?"

I scratch my head, completely perplexed by the current situation, and get a sensation of sharp pain running along what feels like every nook and cranny of my brain. I wince, lift the hat off my head and feel around gently before discovering stitching. I make note to personally thank the doctor with my fist whenever I figure out who it is. Just as I'm about to give up on the futile quest for truth in my memory, like a ray of divine light, the truth washes over me...in flashback, of course.

I'm sitting in the back of a very large, very heavily tinted van, that is quite obviously moving; this driver is in a hurry. I stare down at hands stained with blood; my hands stained with blood. My vision blurs out on my hands and the body lying lifeless on the floor of the van starts to focus in from between my fingers. I turn left to see the back doors swaying back and forth in rhythm with the car's swaying on the road, loose bills being caught up in the torrential wind at the back of the van and swept away from their duffel bags. Screams of expletives seem practically inaudible next to the sound of blood rushing through my head. I feel a jolt as the man across from me slaps me across the face. "Hey! What's your problem? This involves all of us! Snap the out of it!" The once inaudible sounds of the real world become a blaring wake up call and I turn to see my assailant berating the man in the passenger seat and waving a small sheet of paper at him. My assailant turns to me and shouts "This is *** bull!" In an instant, his head cocks sharply to the right; blood, brain matter and skull fragments exiting his body through a large wound. He drops lifeless next to the previously deceased and as I turn, I'm greeted with the same hospitality. At least I saw it coming...what I didn't see coming was the carnival ride out of the van and into a ditch on the side of the road.

I snap back into the present when I get another rap on the cheek from this guy I would've called a friend in another life. In this life, he's just an obstacle in my way. He swings wide for another pass with his money clip and I meet him half way with a grasping hand. I apply pressure to his wrist and his grip loosens on his weapon of choice. I catch it and hold it up at eye level. His gaze of bewilderment and sheer terror reflect in the cold, dead stare in my eyes. I toss the money clip into the air and bills free themselves from its grip, blowing in the breeze and scattering everywhere. It's not about the money anymore. It's about the truth...and revenge, sweet, sweet revenge. I let go of his wrist and rifle through my pockets once more. I pull a tattered and blood-stained one way airline ticket to Shanghai out of my back pocket, a number and the name "Lee" scrawled on the back in red. "Well, at least I know who to thank for the bang-up stitch job..." I mutter as I shove past my "friend" and begin my journey for all that's left; revenge.


I didn't exactly finish the story, but rather left it open for a sequel and prequel.

[Bawabus]

I think everything about the person who posted first after the topic creator is offensive.

It's a sunny day in Shanghai. Your buddy and you are out walking on the streets. You're hungry. You reach into your pocket and pull out a dollar bill. The last one you have. Fate intervenes and a gust of wind grabs the note from your hands - it's gone. Your buddy laughs, pulls out a sparkling money clip full of cash and slaps you across the face with it.

You glare at your friend, coveting his sweet money-clip for just a moment. Then you glare at all the snickering Chinese around you, causing them to leave in that instant, believing that you are the famous basketball player Larry Bird and that you could summon your nemesis, Michael Jordan, to rain destruction down upon them at any moment. You look back to your friend and he is still smiling; you wish that something, somehow would wipe that smug look off of his face ... and you wish, still more, that you could get your hands on that awesome money-clip. . . .

Suddenly, concussive shocks rattle your chest and elicit yelps of terror and confusion from those around you. You and your friend look around confused then you see that everyone is looking up. There are explosions in the sky (fire works during the day? you think), accompanied by the music of the band “Explosions in the Sky” coming from a zeppelin that is slowly descending on your area. If this were a movie you would be walking down this busy Shanghaiian street in slow motion, laughing with each other and the world, completely oblivious to the absurdity of day-time fireworks and the band that plays so well while on a platform suspended from a low-flying zeppelin—the smooth tones and watery guitar work of the instrumental rock group “Explosions in the Sky” accentuating your every action and public outburst that no sane person would ever engage in were they not high on PCP. . . .

But this is not a movie.

The concussive explosions above contrast sharply with the soundtrack playing over it all; this is a combination of two wonderful things engineered to accomplish one goal: cause mass-hysteria. The public begins yelp, scream, and shout, pointing, pointing, pointing, at the horror, horror everywhere ... they honestly don’t know why they are scared, but something about this situation they have been caught in excites them all in the worst sort of way. They flail their arms in every wildly, performing dangerous spin-moves that end in the downfall of both the spinner and those that are in close proximity to him or her. Bodies fall to the ground and writhe across the concrete all around you and you are extremely confused—even your friend is afraid, and his grasp on his money-clip begins to falter. You consider for a moment taking it, but before you can act somebody else, another apparently psychotic person grabs it from his hand and runs/spins, with the money-clip held high into the air, into the thickly packed and hysterical crowd. You can see his hand with the money-clip grasped within it over the heads of the crowd. You begin your pursuit. You don’t even give a thought to the fact that you are abandoning your friend.

Rolling down the street through the crowds, tossing hysterical innocents out of your path and crushing others—you resemble the boulder from Raider’s of the Lost Ark; you’re on a mission to crush that which has stolen from you (you feel like you’ve been stolen from). You follow in pursuit for the latter half of the block you and your friend had been traveling down, but the chase comes to a sudden end when the man who possesses the money-clip leaps in a uncertain spin out into the crosswalk alone and at the wrong time. A chemical transporting semi comes hurling up to the intersection and impacts the man head on, reducing the spinning man to confetti (yes, confetti [very fleshy confetti]). The vehicle jack-knifes and topples over to its side; it slides across the intersection and blows through the glass of the combination McDonalds and Starbucks there, killing hundreds of useless people.

You look at the chemical transport drum, now punctured and spilling whatever it was that it contained. Your sight then snaps to the cab of the chemical transport semi as the door bursts open; a man emerges from it. He is a mildly overweight man wearing dress pants and a wife beater shirt, the top of his head is bald, the back of his hair is long, and he is wearing sunglasses. He stands atop the cab and looks in your direction, he points (but not at you) and says a word that strikes fear into you, “Money-Clip”. It’s the manner in which he says it that disturbs you so, rather than the word itself. You look down at the street where the man you had been chasing was reduced to party-favor and you see it: the money-clip still gleaming triumphantly in the sunlight.

Go.

You dash out into the street and reach for the money-clip, rolling across the concrete to pick it up while retaining your momentum. The man on top of the semi’s cab sees this and an unholy fury begins to burn behind his sunglasses; he takes a shotgun out from some unknown place, some vortex hidden inside his pants pocket and pumps it with one hand. You don’t even have to continue observing him to know what is coming next. You rush into the crowd of people for cover, half-knowing that this will not deter the man on top of the semi cab. You hear the shotgun fire but you don’t hear anyone scream and you don’t feel blood or hot lead—did he shoot in the air?

No! A man falls over and onto you, having been struck by the gunfire. You do not see blood on him in the second you have looking at him while you try to shove him off but he is dead-weight, limp like a ragdoll and you know that he is dead. You continue running through the crowd, trying to put as many obstacles, and as much space between you and the deranged psychotic. You push aside the people in the street who all seem to barely fight their suggested decent to the concrete ground and out of your way. There are limbs everywhere, people everywhere, and all you can think of is your own survival and the survival of the money-clip in your hand.

You stop and look back at the stone-cold face of the man on the semi-cab; you are far in the distance but for some reason you can see his features with supreme clarity. He pumps his shotgun and you see something you hadn’t noticed before, having been in the thick of everything—when he pumps his shotgun, people disappear. He fires into the air and it is not bird-shot or pellets that come from the muzzle of his rifle, but instead people—people appear from the end of his weapon and are hurled into the air with tremendous force. Jesus Christ, Lord in Heaven! you shout inside your own head What is going on!? A faint hint of what might be described as a smile enters the crazed and magical murderer’s face and he begins to pump his shotgun over and over, each time causing a grouping of people to disappear. The groups that disappear become ever closer to you as the numbers in the distance begin to wane. Once he is finished, even the people that had been hurled into the air are gone. You are alone and out in the open, even your friend has been eaten up by this man’s devilish shotgun. You stare at him and he stares at you (you think)—he aims—he fires.

The world seems to stutter, even the music cuts out in the moments before impact; it's like the cosmos can’t comprehend what is happening, like light has stopped projecting itself in between the initial shot and the end result. All you know is that you are now buried under the entirety of the population of China.

Outside the mound of bodies which you have become the nucleus of, the strange man picks the money clip up off the bloody streets and whispers, "I have the money clip," his eyes dart around behind his sunglasses, "I have the power."

[UhUh]

There ya go

[Bawabus]

The greatest thing ever conceived towers above this humble post in triumphant glory. Good show.

[Bevacur]

Its obvious UhUh has won.

[Dr Klowneus]

Originally Posted by Bevacur

Its obvious UhUh has won.

I agree, UhUh that was so awesome. made my day

[Morphilms]

Originally Posted by Bevacur

Its obvious UhUh has won.

Bravo to UhUh

But what would I do if someone pulled out a money clip, I'd...

drink a drink a drink
to lily the pink the pink the pink
the saviour of our human race
for she invented, medicinal compound
most efficasious in every case

[BeardedHoplite]

Tfft tfft tfft. In case you didn't know what a tfft is it is the sound of your 'friend' repeatedly slapping you in the face with a money clip full of notes from at least six different countries (those krones really sting).
Just as the tffts were getting unbearable, a strange thing happened. Fate, or rather, karma had decided my friend's slapping (or the fact that he worked for that ambassador who ran that child porn ring, Delahunt, was it?) was a crime that went too far. In a most curious move karma made her displeasure known...by sending a dollar (possibly mine) hurling toward my friend. Now you may say 'How in the hell could this hurt a rich, child porn exporting criminal' well I'll tell you. The dollar was crumpled into a ball and this ball found it's way into the bastard's throat. Needless to say my friend was soon on the ground clutching his throat and gagging for his life. Me, being the good friend I am, helped him by kicking him many, many times in his ribs. At the sound of their crack I knew the dollar was out of his throat. Unfortunately, he was also unconscious, but I knew that he would certainly let me help myself to some of his cash, he has so much right?
I bend over and grab his money clip, now karma is not a one sided *, she is equally *y to everyone because when I grabbed the money clip the stupid thing broke and bills went flying everywhere

Minus one.
A single American Dollar.
My Dollar.

[Nick@IO]

Originally Posted by UhUh

There ya go

Okay, man, I have to say, this is pure, unadulterated awesome. I've sent this round the office. Cool stuff.

For the rest of you fiction writing geniuses, I have ten money clips up for grabs so don't fret!

I will announce (the rest of) the winners tomorrow around noon.

Keep cracking!

[UhUh]

Ehy, thanks everybody!
Anyway, I can't take all the credit, if you don't know this was a take on the insult wich has been done many times already :P here's cracked magazine version and Team Fortress 2

[lordshoot2kill]

Wow them money clips look so awesome, Kane & Lynch is the best. Hope i'm not too late, I only just found out about this. Quickly threw my story together in flash, its rushed and you can tell its been rushed, but hey Hope you like it.

http://lordshoot2kill.deviantart.com...hing-152826719

[TheMoD]

Originally Posted by lordshoot2kill

Wow them money clips look so awesome, Kane & Lynch is the best. Hope i'm not too late, I only just found out about this. Quickly threw my story together in flash, its rushed and you can tell its been rushed, but hey Hope you like it.

http://lordshoot2kill.deviantart.com...hing-152826719

ahaha I loved it when Lynch said 'oh my ears are bleeding I can't take anymore of this !'

[Nick@IO]

So... Much awesomeness here. Need more time to decide!

[ohitspatty]

Originally Posted by lordshoot2kill

Wow them money clips look so awesome, Kane & Lynch is the best. Hope i'm not too late, I only just found out about this. Quickly threw my story together in flash, its rushed and you can tell its been rushed, but hey Hope you like it.

http://lordshoot2kill.deviantart.com...hing-152826719

lmao epic! Good one

I'm already getting mine from Twitter, so I didn't want to enter this contest but yeah so far it's really some epic stuff.

[sublime90]

easy. after feeling the money slap my face i shake my head look toward the sky take a deep breath and with the quickness i perform a kane like take down, punching him in the throat and i say "your lucky i didnt use my push blade". i pick up there fat stack of cash and peel off a couple bills to toss in his face and i roll with the rest. lesson learned grasshopper.