jokes

[dago]

some more email jokes...

SPORTS COMMENTATORS DO IT WITH THEIR MOUTHS.......
Some you've probably seen, some new. Sport Commentators at their best:

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ Rugby commentator)

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with
Ireland in Seville, 1992)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but
you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the
team some brains and some common sense."
(Former Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of
them serious"
(Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing
the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Julian ****s is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven ****s on the
field."
(Metro Radio)

"and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and
kisses them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(USTV commentator)

[Lord Croft]

ROTFLMFFFAO :D :D :D

[eTux]

The best I could find IMO

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were
done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter
what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting
in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job," and sent him
home
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun
and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. " I tried, I really did, but I
just
can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. Then the agents heard screaming and yelling and crashing and
banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "I've done it, he's dead..........

I tried to shoot him but this gun is loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[dago]

LOL:D

im guessing she was blonde...

[dago]

feel free to post your own jokes...come on people, keep this thread going...a good laugh is always good...

[purple rain]

a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender "you got any olives?" the bartender says "nope sorry"
so the duck leaves and comes back "hey you got any olives?"
"NO I JUST TOLD YOU WE DIDNT" yells the bartender "and if you ask me again im going to nail your beak to this bar!"
the duck comes back later on" hey you got any nails?"
the bartender goes "no"
then the duck goes "well then, you got any olives?"
-------
gaaaaaaahhhhh :p


how many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb....?




fish...
---------

those are the best ones i've heard lately.. well apart from some horribly crude ones that would get me banned if i posted them

[MountainDewNut]

great jokes! i really like yours, etux!

[Willard the Fierce Knight]

A policeman pulled a man over for speeding. He said to the guy "Sir, you were going 25 mph over the speed limit."
The guy says "Just to let you know, there's a gun and some knives in the glove compartment. Also, don't be surprised if there's some assault rifles and illegal aliens in the trunk."
Alarmed, the policeman calls for backup. After the SWAT team arrives and checks out the car, the leader walks over to the guy and says "I don't see any aliens or weapons in the car."
The guy sighs and responds "Yeah, and I bet that cop told you I was speeding, too.":D :D

[Solange]

An elephant escaped from a circus. Later the same day old Mrs Petersen called the police department and said to the officer in charge:

”There is a very strange animal in my garden; it’s pulling up beetroots with its tail!”
Confused the police officer asked Mrs Petersen what the animal did with the beetroots.
“Well, officer,” Mrs Petersen said, “you would not believe me if I told you!”

[dago]

i've got some REALLY funny pic that i will put up on the weekend...untill then any body else???

[DaveJ]

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of his business trip to Minneapolis.

They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly Preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in.
Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving Husband
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

[LARAMANIAC]

FOFLMAO - DaveJ that is excellent!!! In fact they all are. I'm crap at remembering jokes so I'll just keep enjoying the ones you all post!!! Thanx:p

[Willard the Fierce Knight]

This one is slightly abbreviated. :)

A shy man goes to a shrink, and is told to act like he is dominant in his household. So the man goes home and says to his wife "I want you to make dinner, do the dishes, clean the house, and make the bed!" The wife looks at him without batting an eyelash.
"And guess who's gonna comb my hair, press my suit, and straighten my necktie tomorrow?" he continues.
"The undertaker," his wife calmly replies.

[BeKs]

Ya i got one ... did you hear about the dislexic pimp who bought a warehouse?