Notts Raider
07-25-2003, 09:30 PM
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it lovingly in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat lovingly in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get
partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth,
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat
with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil
and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans,
drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to
partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap
and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to
wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you
to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell
and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in cheese.
____________________________________________________________
"Keep in mind that to a dog, you're family;
to a cat, you're staff."
-- Ron Dentinger
1. Pick up the cat and cradle it lovingly in the crook of
your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat lovingly in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call partner in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls emitted by cat. Get
partner to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth,
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in a large towel and get partner to lie on cat
with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil
and blow down straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans,
drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-aid to
partner's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap
and water.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto
neck, so as to leave the head showing. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back
another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bugger's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table.
Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of raw fish. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to
wash down pill.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get partner to drive you
to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop
on way home to order a new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell
and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any
hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in cheese.
____________________________________________________________
"Keep in mind that to a dog, you're family;
to a cat, you're staff."
-- Ron Dentinger